One of the best investments we can make in the future is to do whatever it takes to increase our confidence as parents. One critical ingredient for lightening up as parents is the recognition that our parents/ caretakers did the best they could with the resources they had.
In a powerful transformational education program through Landmark Education, I realized at the age of forty-two, that I still wanted my mother to be who I wanted her to be. I hadn’t realized that I was making her wrong for not teaching me how to relax. She did teach me how to work hard, for which I am grateful. I would not be where I am today without that ability. Now I have the privilege of giving my eighty-five-year-old mother permission to relax.
In letting go of the past, specifically the expectations for my mother, I took responsibility for my life and lightened up in my parenting— not expecting myself or my son to be perfect. I will never forget one mother saying, “There are plenty of therapists out there.” She was admitting publicly that she was not going to be the perfect parent. Our children will have their own stuff with which to deal.
The harder we try to be perfect and expect them to be perfect, the less we will enjoy our children. In fact, the notions we have—the ways we think we should be perfect—can be a great source of humor. Learn to laugh at those notions, e.g., we should always have clean clothes on our children; we should be polite and have children so trained to behave in public that they don’t grab food off another’s plate, and we should be in control and not give in to tantrums.
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