Don’t Be Offended, Even if It Is Intended

In my humor workshops, we explore various uses of humor to turn tense situations around and brainstorm lighthearted options for reducing the impact of stress on our lives. Stress is one component of life, perhaps, part of the human condition. Stress emanates from positive events as well as negative. Whatever the source, we can learn to reduce its impact in our lives by incorporating laughter into our day. One common source of stress, particularly for women, is taking someone’s comments too seriously. It is not easy, but since I’ve applied the practice of not being offended, I am a lot happier and more serene. People have to work harder to offend me. On the other hand, it’s a paradox. Don’t be offended, and don’t put up with put-downs. I urge people who are offended by toxic humor to use the offense as an opportunity to educate.

One simple technique is to ask the offender to explain the joke or comment. A joke often loses its appeal when it needs to be explained. Avoid sources of negative humor. That is, avoid people you experience as being negative or offensive. Another way to build your humor immunity is to be prepared. Who says humor always has to be spontaneous? Have humorous comebacks ready for situations or circumstances that repeatedly happen.

In her book, They Used to Call Me Snow White But I Drifted: Women’s Strategic Use of Humor, Regina Barreca describes a great comeback. Former news anchor Connie Chung was asked by a new co-worker about the relationship between her position as an Asian- American woman and her rapid rise in the broadcasting field. Her response to the insensitive question was both keen and humorous. She pointed to the senior vice president and announced, “Bill likes the way I do his shirts.”

Personally, I am not quick at comebacks. I often think of a funny response to a situation a day or two later. Of course, it’s better late than never. It takes practice. I still enjoy my funny responses even if they don’t occur to me right away. At times when you wished that you had a witty response, talk it over with others. Together you might come up with one. Even if you didn’t get to use it at the moment, it can be a good way to let go of negative experiences. And you’ll be prepared if a similar situation happens again.

During one humor and spirituality retreat, a participant, Pam, brought up the following situation in which she would have liked a comeback: While she was standing in a buffet line at a restaurant, a couple of white guys behind her were impatient with two Latinos ahead of them and snidely questioned whether the Latinos had green cards. Her response might have been to say, “I wonder where we would be if Native Americans had required us to have green cards.”