Adolescent humor

Another sneak peak from my new book Laugh and Live. I hope you all enjoy!

Right after my son became an adult, I finally figured out adolescent humor. That’s the way it is with parenting; just when we begin to understand what is going on with our children, they catapult to the next stage. In my experience, many adolescents love to watch and recount the stupid things adults say and do. Seek to keep a light heart as teenagers laughingly point out your eccentricities, flaws, and frailties. Remember that we are very funny to them, as our parents were also very funny to us. In fact, my best advice to parents of teens: hold tight to your sense of humor. You will need it.

In 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said, Ross and Kathryn Petras include:

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.”

—Samuel Goldwyn, movie mogul

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia; it is only the people who make them unsafe.”

—Frank Rizzo, mayor

“During a state of national emergency resulting from enemy attack, the essential functions of the Service will be as follows: (1) assessing, collecting and recording taxes...”

Internal Revenue Service, 1976

Parents, perfection and humor

One of the best investments we can make in the future is to do whatever it takes to increase our confidence as parents. One critical ingredient for lightening up as parents is the recognition that our parents/ caretakers did the best they could with the resources they had.

In a powerful transformational education program through Landmark Education, I realized at the age of forty-two, that I still wanted my mother to be who I wanted her to be. I hadn’t realized that I was making her wrong for not teaching me how to relax. She did teach me how to work hard, for which I am grateful. I would not be where I am today without that ability. Now I have the privilege of giving my eighty-five-year-old mother permission to relax.

In letting go of the past, specifically the expectations for my mother, I took responsibility for my life and lightened up in my parenting— not expecting myself or my son to be perfect. I will never forget one mother saying, “There are plenty of therapists out there.” She was admitting publicly that she was not going to be the perfect parent. Our children will have their own stuff with which to deal.

The harder we try to be perfect and expect them to be perfect, the less we will enjoy our children. In fact, the notions we have—the ways we think we should be perfect—can be a great source of humor. Learn to laugh at those notions, e.g., we should always have clean clothes on our children; we should be polite and have children so trained to behave in public that they don’t grab food off another’s plate, and we should be in control and not give in to tantrums.

Laughter and play are traits of a healthy family

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.” I thought, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don’t have any extra clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied irritably. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse. Soooo . . . I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified . . . until some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!

According to Dolores Curran in Traits of a Healthy Family, a sense of humor and play is one of the traits of a healthy family, whatever its arrangement. Trusting in ourselves as parents is crucial to be effective in adding humor and play to family life. We all want to be the best parents we can be. When we are preoccupied with getting it right or looking good, we lose our sense of humor and miss out on many opportunities to give and receive humor with our children. One of the greatest rewards of my work comes when parents lighten up with their children.

When my son was eight or nine years old, he often invited me to play Nintendo. I declined. I was an anti-Nintendo mom, and I didn’t think that form of play was valuable. I thought he should be playing with people rather than machines. One day I realized he was eagerly trying to contribute to the enjoyment of my life, and I was not being open to his contribution. I learned how to play and enjoy Dr. Mario, a Nintendo game. Pretty soon, he was telling me I was spending too much time in front of the television, playing Nintendo.

Learning to downhill ski was also a joy for me. When I drove Jesse to the slopes to ski, he would urge me to ski with him. I was content to watch from the chalet. It was such fun as he taught me how to get on and off the ski lift. I specifically recall the conversation in the car on the way to my first ski lesson. He shared with me his frustration with grownups who budge in front of children waiting in the checkout line at the store. I explained that sometimes adults treat children the way they were treated. He turned to me and said, “Well, you must have been treated pretty good then.” I passed that compliment on to my mother.

Laugh and Love Your Family

When he was younger, my son, Jesse, and I always kept a pair of Groucho glasses in the car—you know, the kind with the giant nose and bushy, black eyebrows and mustache. My son entertained himself and other people who pulled up alongside us on the freeway. His responses delighted me. One day he said, “Business people are too serious!” I said in mock defensiveness, “Well, I’m a business person!” He replied, “But, Mom, you’re a business person who does fun for a living.”

In my humor work, I urge grown-ups to use funny glasses, too. When I find myself behind a bus or a station wagon with young people waving their hands or making faces, I don a pair of goofy glasses and watch their reaction. Shaking up young people’s expectations of who we are as adults is a hoot! In addition, it makes my long drives seem shorter.

How many times do children laugh each day? I have seen a variety of answers to that question: 146, 200, 300, and 400. My hunch is that the number goes down as our age goes up. The number quoted most often for how many times adults laugh is a dozen times a day. I have an accounting friend, Jill, who keeps track. She is above average. For example, while previewing this book, she reported laughing out loud twenty-nine times.

Defining Humor, Promoting Humility

Dorothy Parker wrote, “I thought, on starting this composition . . . that I should define what humor means to me. However, every time I tried to, I had to go and lie down with a cold wet cloth on my head.”

Defining humor can be difficult. For me, humor is about attitude, about our take on life. It is much more about being lighthearted than it is about being glib with jokes. It is about seeing and enjoying the incongruities in life.

The words “humor” and “humility” have the same root—the ancient Indo-European ghom, best translated as the English “humus,” which means “of the earth.” No wonder I like earthy humor. The last chapter explores the relationship between humor and humility and being human. In fact, after I had compiled a list of over 110 ideas for giving and receiving humor, I realized that the key to humor is humility. The 111th idea is to pray for humility.

Humor is a word of many meanings, some very personal. What does it mean to you? Identify the words you associate with humor. Ask others what it means to them. It makes for a great conversation. Notice if it turns into a joke-telling session.
As human beings, we are meaning-makers. What would happen if we consciously chose to look for humorous meanings to interpret the events in life? Sometimes the funny interpretations just happen; many times they don’t. Look for the comedy within the dramas of your life, especially when being “deadly serious.” Consider the difference between deadly seriousness and lively lightness.
Humor may always remain somewhat of a mystery. The more I delve into its meaning, the more wonderfully mysterious it is.

Do we all have a sense of humor?

If we don’t laugh at people’s jokes, we are often accused of not having a sense of humor. We all have a sense of humor. The question is how to further develop it. I continually challenge myself to expand my humor in new ways—playing with props, consciously looking for humor in everyday life and, more recently, allowing myself to be more spontaneous instead of censoring myself.
Most of us were taught not to talk with strangers, which is critical to our safety as children and wise to practice as adults as well, but not all the time. Perhaps we have taken the lesson to an extreme. While shopping one day, I saw a man delivering an abundance of flower bouquets. I said to him, “For me?” He said, “I love you!” His witty response made my day, even if the flowers weren’t for me.